Monday, 31 March 2014

28th Attribution

Assalamualaikum 2014,
Salam kenal 28 years old me :)
Alhamdulillah, Allah gave me another chance to write another chapter of my journey. As soon as I realized the clock strikes 12 on the 3rd of this month, I instantly exclaimed a dramatic "Noo~". Funny right? The first revelation that I am 2 years away from being 30 and still haven't sort out what I should do with my life irks me a lot. To be honest, I confessed that I am still immature for my age: I still feel excited for cartoons and ice cream trucks, I still feel clumsy infront of my friends and often felt embarassed for weeks. Even I started to have flashbacks of my old mischievous self in my experimental phase; being emo, dyed my hair, cut it short, reading unconventional articles and wearing mismatch wardrobe just to be different. Gosh, come to realize it... I was a wrecking mess! Despite of my stubborn attitude and intolerable behaviour; my friends and relatives were patient enough to let it pass by. Hormones was a menace and still is. That story was only during my teenage years. When I reached to my 20s, I started to understand more about what interest me the most; music, nature, life in general. There are times when depression hits hard especially when it becomes tough to endure by myself. However, with the grace of Allah, I gained better grip to myself and just deal with it. Not everything goes as you dreamt of... At the same time, I realized if it's not meant for me, one day I will know why. Allah placed better things ahead but, it's just not the time yet.

To start with that, I was fortunate to further my studies in Wales. Obviously it was not an easy journey when you only have yourself to tag along with other Bruneian students who share the same pre-condition.They have become my family as well as I feel blessed to be their Kaka here. My course mates become my closest acquaintances and the Brunei Student Unit acted as our parent body to ensure our safety. So the principle of a family is adapted quite differently when you study abroad. People assume it's all glorious to be in this position. Well it used to but, I don't think the statement applies to my situation. Living in the countryside are less sophisticated  from the Urban area. There were more than brands and street fashion (though it was nice to see); I was fascinated by the nature, old people holding hands, family oriented events, local crafts and culture not forgetting the language. Haha and you thought you need to get Distinction for English? Get Welsh right first. 

I do aware of the culture differences especially when around you are (apart of the basic shopping, housing, recreational and school buildings) pubs, clubs and Christian devotion. Which is the total opposite of what I used to learn back in school. The total damnation of mingling any of the criteria frightened me when I was small but, now I started to understand and show better respect to my fellow neighbours and Uni friends. If I judged them for their differences then, I have learn nothing about life. It took a while for me to seek answers that I couldn't just asked my family or friends back home. What's more, I began to feel their suffering when they had to struggle with their student loans, family life, getting health benefits and many more. We don't learn about this at school nor we have the privilege to read it in news just because the majority of us back home are not familiar with several situation. It's fair enough to know that at the end, we all humans with a different upbringing that needs comfort to go through life.

Well, to update life has been quite..peaceful. I deleted my Instagram and stick to Facebook at the moment for a simple reason of not finding IG a priority in my life. The more I indulge myself in into image / video related social network with followers with the addition of not having the pleasure of personal reflection. The constant update feed was meant to share happiness or inspiration but, somehow it seem to lead to self- loathing as well being judgemental. I hated it. With the apps as public platform you can't say no to a new follower, you might as well risk a friendship by that. The addiction was something that I need to get rid off and I didn't regret the decision until now. I feel less pressured to check on my phone and I gain better space to concentrate on what is more important in life. The only reason I stayed on Facebook is because of study related newsfeed. If I have the chance to deactivate; I would actually look forward to that day wholeheartedly. I have a love-hate relationship with the situation for social network at the moment. It used to be fun to share with the rest of the world, now I just want to take control of what I prefer to keep to myself.

Events? We had National Day celebration at the Student Union in February and it's good to see how festive that day was. Just being in the company of same language and same appetite for food made me feel home. Another event was the Malaysian Night where some of us participate to support our Malaysian friends. Honestly, I was out of touch with the Malaysians here for the past 2 years. I become well acquainted this year since they welcome us to be involved with the performance. Heck it was an incredible night to remember. Plus we get to tapau too! Oh my #Bruneians haha guess we are who we are. But, atleast it was more a polite invitation to tapau rather than grabbing it instantly without thinking about others.

There were several events I decided to skip just because of my less fit state of health. Not only I gained friends and knowledge, I gained more weight but, it didn't stopped me to be myself. It might be due to the collective experience in the past shaped who I am now. I learn to accept who I am and my position. To be honest I kinda decide to lower down on the selfless aspect a notch. There are things worth to be discovered by their own struggle rather than me contributing a role in that but, they will always be in my prayers. I need to sort out my life now before becoming a helping hand to others. It's imperative for me to learn about being a fix point (quote taken from Pacific Rim, LOL) if I am to endure a heavier task in my upcoming chapter. I don't know what's going to happen to me and yes, I'm worried whether I manage to settle with a comfortable salary to start with. I'm too old to play the pampered daughter. The urge to give back is increasing day by day. Insyallah when the time is right and when I pass through all the obstacles which were meant for me to endure, Allah will guide me when I'm ready.

Being 28 has been wonderful so far. I was willing to let my Birthday discreet however, my housemate put so much effort on celebrating it. Just a simple one which I appreciate a lot. What I want to do for my birthday was actually to get a full package spa treatment and get away from all the tasks for a day. Dissertation was a pressure if you asked me plus, we had assignments and I got sick that made me cough constantly day & night. It became overwhelming for me that I just booked a hotel at the seafront and stay there a night. Splurging on a hotel as a self present for my birthday. It's worth every penny. Heavenly pillow and duvet while watching late night movies in the room with Subway sandwich and Fish & Chips... oohh.. what a getaway.

So, being older was not as scary as I thought it would be. The sudden dramatic "No" was intended for worrying how much I have to catch up before turning 30. And do I have to talk about marriage? As much as I love babies, I am too enjoying my life being unattached in a devoted relationship. And to exacerbate the situation, I don't have a stable job to begin with! Ya Allah, panat hambamu sorang ani. Often I try to rush on finding perfection just because, I thought it will lead to perfection in Allah's eyes. But apparently, I was wrong. Perfection was never the answer if I am to gain His blessing. It was finding contentment in things I took for granted and reflect on the actions to ensure it is for the greater good. Insyallah, Insyallah...The process is slow and at times I fall back only for the fact that human grows through errors and trials. 

As for now, I want to focus on the dissertation and getting back home in contentment. May Allah enrich us with wisdom and  guide our story for the better 

P/S: MH370 passengers, I hope one day you can return to your loved ones. I feel touched by the unity of all religion to pray together fo your safety. May your return will be soon and rest assure we all are waiting for you. Amin.

Tuesday, 31 December 2013


A rant,
A thought
Thought provoking.

Before I start my raw and unfiltered opinions about my fellow Bruneians, please be aware that I have no intention to offend people or their idiocracy but, yes I will say that I do not have the right idea or answers as I am indeeed contribute more flaws and errors than deeds.

As I mentioned before, I decided not to go to the Junjung Ziarah this year. I agree it is a golden opportunity but, believe me with my unfit condition to travel at the moment, it's better for me to stay. I am currently unfit to travel in an 6 hours journey or even waking up in odd hours. The motion sickness hits me hard that it causes disorientation to my sleeping pattern. I get grumpy if it happens. Yup.

Well, another reason I said that I was unfit is because I was unfit to withheld the surge of people and managing the claustraphobic environment AFTER the event. Recalling back my experience last year, it was the same ordeal like the one they did this year. People seemed to forgive and forget on what happened but, it's still a fact. Maybe because there is no one to blame on but ourselves. It's funny that these people that contributes to the massive crowd traffic ARE people who are educated in the UK along with the manners and civilised approach thought both here or back home. These people are the ones who proclaimed in the scholarship interviews or life philosophy that being polite, well mannered and patience is one of the criteria of an ideal Bruneian. The same people who learn and embrace the culture in the UK that saying sorry, please and thank you is necessary while queing up is a must and YET... the sad part; the real character unleashed on the ordeal. 

I'm glad that I'm not the only person who feel the same way that we have to avoid from going. Despite of the grand impression, I will not be a witness to the failed management. Forget about the Kurnia; my only wish is that everyone is safe and atleast set in their mind that the culture practice they learn throughout their time in the UK does not just apply to shopping or socializing. I rather have Queing as part of the ethics that need to be adopted to the country rather than the ethic of brands posession. My dignity is not define by that.

You know, I can list out a lot of things to be complained about our people back home. It's really easy to do so because, everyone can do it. The mouth have infinite chance to express curiosity, regrets or dissatisfaction but, what we as Bruneian are lack off is expressing ideas and solution. We keep pointing fingers but, no one use the fingers to help each other.

'Melahirkan generasi yang berkapisiti untuk berfikir dan berpotensi untuk menjadi ahli cendikiawan' is a phrase I aspired to reach not to myself but for the future generation. Yes, it is difficult but look at us now; A high of percentage adapts the western consumer culture as standard, the next percentage believes that those people will corrupt our youngs and keep implementing boundaries to maintain status quo, a number percentage lives lavishly but, burdened with debt just because they don't want to be left out, another percentage resides comfortably gaining profit from all these people and a few percentage are those who feel rebelling is the best idea and seeing living in the country apprehend their freedom. 

There are a number of percentage who are good people that lives in their simple environment which most seem to ignore because they didn't amount to nothing. On the other hand, for those who have seen the western culture (budaya barat) never come to realise that the westerners itself are not far much of a difference to us when it comes to living; some prefer living lavish, some love their simple life and some struggling to support their family. Not all are as what depicts on our expectation. Yes, I agree it populate the thinkers and professors, the people who climb on the business industry and flourished. It's the same as Indonesia, Japan, Middle East but, I don't see a lot of us take pride much on that.

Albeit of the circumstances, it can be observe that the authority struggling to ensure western influence in terms of social ill concept to be avoided by closing down enterntainment centre, enforcing strict rules on premises that can promote bad influece to the youngs but, the truth is...Bruneians are clever and cunning. they can find loopholes and seek better solution or easier just leap out of the country and enjoy their freedom somewhere else. No matter how many were stopped and closed, it does not aid to answer of the social issue. 

Our social issue is we are Bruneians that became bloated internally. There's a lot to be consumed culturally, ethically, means of interest, leisure or even education that we feast daily until we became bloated and yet, none of the elements or so called nutrients to our life is embraced and seep into our soul and body because a filter is non existent. It store the bad cholesterol sagging every inch of our organs. The only excretion is just these side effect of social issue not just from the youngs but the adults or so called parents. When will it set and sink in? No one knows not until someone say no to the offer and select wisely to maintain a healthy living.

I'm not saying living abroad is the life to be envy of, in fact I can't wait to go home to dig my toes on the soil that feeds me to keep me alive and well. I'm just pointing out what holes I can see when I'm out of the box. Dear brains... please let them know that stopping is not a good idea. To gain a well balance life principle you must atleast have a place to vent out their creative expression as part of the reward for adhering to the rules of conduct. It doesn't have to be singing but, what did you have allowed so far? A media that channels entertainment industry. Funny it's all singing, acting, and art don't expect people here to copy and duplicate the lifestyle they adore of or did you?

As I said, Bruneians are clever especially when it comes to gaining profit. So, if it doesn't produce profit, no one see it as a potential and fund upon it. People used their own initiative to became a change in the community. I simply admire because they are the young generation that started a revolution in literature expression. Using the social network as a strong point of their promotion, it helps to spread the word better hence an established reputation although still fresh in the media industry. 

I wonder what can I contribute to the community? What can you contribute to the community? Of course you can't answer it at the moment when you are overwhelmed by the sale on that item you were ecstatic to show off to your friends :)

Well, that's the end of me venting out my thoughts. I need to prepare for my New Year post. Yikes! it's less than 24 hours!

Friday, 27 December 2013

A few days before New Year.
Another journey, another story
Kun Fa Ya Kun.
Dear me, I'm looking forward for the New Year Masihi. Forgive me for prioritizing this to Hijriah; both plays an important part in my life, Masihi on the other hand is like a small companion that come to realize it's end of its page. Usually I would review my memories in my diary. Some I skipped but, my old ones are still piling in my cupboard. This year, I haven't prepared much because my head is pressuring on the exam. Urgh. I have this tendency to cram everything till it dispersed everywhere. I never have a systematic approach to my revision other than emphasizing every key points that interest me. True, it's not a smart way but, hey...whatever works with me. 
So, I have about 2 weeks more before the Uni re-opens. At the moment, the Uni and the town looks slightly deserted because 80% of the population consist of students which gone for Christmas Holiday. I on the other hand, stayed. Heck, Christmas day was interesting. I had the town for myself. It's true! Every shops were closed and the road was silent. I just walk around singing to myself while headin to the beach and being enterntained by grand performance of murmuration birds, hovering across the sea before settling under the pier after sunset. It was said that if you want to know the extent of Allah's love to us, observe how beautiful His gifts covered the Earth and the animals living with it. The evening was the testiment of it's wondrous glory. Alhamdulillah, despite of the rising digital enterntainment, I was certainly more mind blown by His creation.


What can I say more, I can't make up stories as if living abroad should be all exciting and an envy to everyone back home. I don't lavish myself with branded clothes or dine in posh cafe or pop in places where famous people can be sighted. My reality would be described at the moment as lame, simple and mediocre. More specifically: un interesting. Just, how I want it to be. I stayed in, watch movies and tv channel, do my laundry and find food to eat. My friends keep asking why I was inactive in my social network. Well, less is more. Less online communication and more physical contact is what I'm aiming for. That means, if it's someone's birthday, a greeting, a message or a picture.. It should be directly from me not, for everyone else to see. I prefer to keep it more special that way so, let it be quiet on the social sphere. let me extend my gratitude and appreciation or my simple thoughts directly to you. Perhaps this kind of approach regarded a luxury nowadays, therefore I want to cherish it before it became mainstream. Maybe it's part of the change, I might tolerate several aspects but, I definitely refuse to let my life to be dictate by the online environment. The definition of my life is still for me to hold. A defend to the uncertainty of the future might brings.

Another decision I made recently was to skip this year's Junjung Ziarah. I love my country and His Majesty but, despite of the last minute memo and perhaps bad timing. I have decided to let others to experience the 'festive' environment. I had my chance last year. My priority otherwise is focusing on the exam and I don't feel comfortable to travel far just to stand in a crowded Hilton Hotel. It means, last minute transport bookings, accommodation and uncomfortable rest throughout the period. With my right leg remain unfit for such condition, I guess it's permissable to say no to this. There is no regret or persuasion involved for this decision, I'm happy and honored that His Majesty is in London but, with all due respect; I feel more content staying in and focusing on the exam. The gratification is not what I seek in that event. It's the long-term gratification I aim to reach after I complete my course and graduate which is my gift to my country and His Majesty. 

To be honest, it's fun to be this lame. I missed a lot on the interesting part of the the dramas and enterntainment but, I guess sitting back and let the world revolve without me is simply...perplexing beyond words. The simple elements as small as Zarah can be magnified and pleasurable to the mortal eyes. It's an indulge that most people failed to seek. It's there, it's there my Ukhti. The purest essence of contentment is the definite gratification :)

I'm looking forward for another post for New Year. 2014, I will see you soon.

Monday, 16 December 2013

Forgive Thyself

"To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love.
In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness."
( Robert Muller)

Strong winds in Wales and heavy snow in the far-up of England, it could only mean one thing: the beginning of the Christmas break. Basically, today until first week of January will be my holiday before my exams on the 9th of January next year. Lovely time to stay in again plus, I'll have the house to myself again. I have to confess: I love having my 'Me' time but at the same reality check, it also means that I'll be enduring a ghost town for the next 2 weeks because 80% of the student population will be at their home with their family where as more that half of the Bruneians will be away mainly for a brief catch up with their mates. I can't be bothered to enjoy the holiday because the exam date is so near that I'm worried I might get too distracted on having revision; oh well, you can fly away now social life. We'll stay in touch somewhere next year.

My worries are massive not, just because of the exams...I have to say, I'm having an internal issue with myself at the moment. Do you ever feel like there is the heavy weighing inside of you and don't want to budge? A part of me want reconciliation and comfort but, to what? What words can I soothe my inner soul?  I can't say everything will be alright because it's too cliche and if I reassure myself saying these too will shall pass, perhaps Indie arie sang it better than I do which totally gives us a huge favor. If only I could pull out my heart and cuddle with the embrace of a mother to a scared infant. 

Perhaps that's what happened when you bumped to your past again. I don't know about you guys but, everytime I coincidentally bumped into something as simple as a name, a site, a picture or even a sentence that reminds me on  a portion of significant events in my life both sweet or traumatic, it has the capacity to bring my conscious to a halt and I will start remeniscing for hours. I couldn't help it because I love the euphoric sensation flowing inside of me alas, the bad ones will suffocate and leave me scarred again. The fragile human soul is indeed a visible working process. 

It's just that there are several incidents was left in a bad condition and I don't have anyone other than myself to blame. I couldn't find forgiveness or seek for their forgiveness because sometimes moving on is the best answer at the moment. Yet, in between of the journey, I will be adhere to my whispers wishing that things shouldn't end this way and if it's possible to rewind then, avoid from it to happen. But, who am I to question Allah's plans for me? If I have a smooth road along my way, what lessons can I learn and share to others? Undoubtedly, it was a blessing in disguise though, there will always be struggle to go through it but, eventually I'm still here writing.

Yes, it is still a working progress...for me to find myself , to be a better person in Allah's eyes. Being human allows you to understand your own flaws and taking time to reflect then resolve step by step. We are bound to get hurt along the way heck, let it all scarred my whole body so that it can form into living map on my own body; wrinkles, scars, eyebags, visible nerves and hair loss. Like a soldier, I want it to be with me as evidence that I actually fought through to reach to where I am and will be. 

Despite me empowering myself about my aging physical state, my inner soul is yearning for a comfort. How can I forgive to those who have created the tears in my eyes and the scar in my heart? How can I look at them again and feel no hatred or loathe for the bad memories that lead to this? Where can I get reconciliation to fill in my heart so it wont be fill with grudge? The list goes on and on...

I guess that is what we have to figure out by ourselves, an answer to our own problem. Although this is not the type of answers that can be bought with money. It's a long and winding process that needs a lot of patience and self-reflection. Being a part of the Islamic faith on the other hand have offered me some insights towards patience and self-reflection. The Prophet Nabi Muhammad (s.a.w) was the ideal character with the highest level of patience hence why he was the Chosen one. He never hold a grudge or display his anger despite of the hatred thrown to him & tortures he faced for years and even on His last breath, his concerns was nothing more than about his Ummah (followers). Subhanallah. That's why it is a Sunnah to follow his beautiful ways so, that we let his love live inside of us. One of the Sunnah was to learn to forgive and that's what I want to embrace for my way of living.

Yes and I know... it's so hard. I will learn to say forgiveness but at times it failed. Certainly no struggle left in vain. I may fall 7 times but, I can get up again at the 8th. Giving up is never the option. For now, the phase is really slow. But, ofcourse to forgive others.. you have to forgive ourselves even before you sleep. Which is the part I'm struggling the most. I can't forgive for what I've done in the past  and I'm admitting this because I am human enough to acknowledge it . As long as it still hurts when I remenisced it back... I know, a small part of me is still holding back the blame. Oh dear Allah, let me find forgiveness. 

Let me find forgiveness and serenity,
Let me find peace and tranquility,
Let me find full contentment in better or worst.

May thou show thee thy way hopefully one day when it's done, I have enough capacity to spread the joy of self- loving to others. Amin Ya Rabb.

Sabda Rasulullah S.A.W yang bermaksud: “Tidak akan berkurangan harta dengan bersedekah, tidak akan bertambah ke atas seseorang hamba dengan sebab memberi kemaafan melainkan bertambah kemuliaan dan tidak akan tawaduk merendah seseorang terhadap Allah melainkan Allah akan mengangkat darjatnya.” (Riwayat Muslim no. 2588)

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Clear conscience

 December is here... Alhamdulillah, this post is most probably going to focused on my week had been. I honestly couldn't be more blessed to have my lovely housemates. As far as being consumed with my own world and studies, they have made me feel as homely as possible apart from our religious differences. They put up a pleasant Christmas Dinner just to celebrate before the Christmas break. I bought my own meat and they prepared all the servings as safe as it can be for me to consume with them. It was really thoughtful of them to do the extra effort seperating those that I am not allowed to touch or consume and keep it as similar to their main course as well keeping it to the lowest budget. I have now totally understand how delicious having gravy on top of roasted potatoes and parsnips. Above all, it was simple yet, I enjoyed the experience of the festive joy while keeping this memory of celebrating together in one roof.

 Where as yesterday, I have the chance to visit a special library for medical practitioner up in town. It is one of the Medical Library funded by Cardiff University for personnel who further their studies to upgrade their qualifications. We were introduced to Tricia Chapman; the Knowledge Service Manager and she inspires me to continue with my pursue in this field. She shared her experience of studying in Sabah and I was honestly shocked for the coincidence of finding a local who are familiar with the Malay culture. A pleasant surprise I would say. Her expertise mainly on handling medical collection that cost as expensive as 350-600 pounds for the complete volume set. Promoting on the otherhand seems less essential however user education are heavily emphasized to make sure all user can be literate in utilizing the library service and facility independently. I manage to observed several users popping in to use the facility (doctors mostly) it was a total eye opener for me because the fact that they are in their 30s and still busy browsing books and references as if their professional career haven't already put their schedule compact.


As for me, I'm getting my head into what I cherished the most. It requires a lot of reflection of my actions, a lot of pondering about others and the rest of the world plus detoxifying my heart for better intention. That means less online social network if possible, to update I'm finally free from my Instagram account. I made a one year trial and I figured out that it was not my cup of tea. I personally don't think it as a big loss but, more like a new window being open to countless path. I'm looking forward to explore more site that actually fits my liking. For now, I'm just going to stick with my old hub. There  was a research posted on how social networks that highlighted on opulence and narcissm creates higher depression level because we keep comparing ourself and drag every inch of our happiness to what is consider acceptable to other people's standard. I became aware of the result because I realize how such site affects me. It made me lose my focus and far more, my own being. Maybe my age taught me to see the world in a different shed or maybe I'm not cope to stand along with the others. Most probably is because, my priority has changed or probably, I'm just tired. I guess it was my time to move on to another phase of my life. The phase that brings contentment higher that instant gratification can hit you or scrapping away worldly value and seek inner peace and serenity. What's with all the sudden change? It was never sudden. It was whispering in my heart for years; I was the one who was too weak to stand on my own belief. Finally, I'm glad to take the first step from finishing what I was intended to do in Luh Mahfuz. What I'm anticipate the most now would  be making sure to keep my eyes and senses open wide to observe what is instore for me. Hopefully by finding balance in life will lead me to loving others properly. Insyallah :)

Tuesday, 26 November 2013


" In the end, I’ve come to believe in something I call “The Physics of the Quest.” A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you’re brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you. "     - Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love.

A word that rarely used in daily terms but, holds a powerful meaning. Derived from an Indonesian language which generally means conscience. We had a session yesterday on lecture where we talked about online community and my lecturer listed a few examples of events that ignites our memory. These events that happened ranges from the 2011 London riot, 911, Tsunami, my friend Kamilla brought up the shootings that happened in her town, Oslo while I added the incident on the little girl April Jones from Machynlleth. There might be more but, every event shared ends our final lecture for the semester in a grim mood. It strucks me.. conscience. What's the relation? All events influenced our conscience especially those who have been associated to the victims. I was wondering with all these pretentious consumer-laden society, what shows a value to a real conscience?

Most intention seems to be for a commercial reason; to increase profit, attract audience, self- vainism or just pure hedonism. All act of good deed were less visible or even displaying was deemed to be a video with the highest views. All effort needs to be praised and recognized with rewards, fame or more expectation to be loved by all. I honestly, have trouble to accept the idea. Is that what we aim for in life? How can someone would devote themselves in fishing complements either by complexion, effort or posession? It's hard for me to accept the fact that I was living in the world with people that seems a bit lost in finding internal bliss or atleast contentment. 

Throughout my years consumed by my own story, I learned more and more that a healthy conscience although an ideal way of living; it was the hardest achievement anyone could maintain. Personally, I struggle all the time because I admit that I'm not perfect. all these flaws was meant to let me know what's ethically right but, it doesn't mean that I never fall down the stairs more than twice. To find or to practice into a healthy conscience requires devotion and whole lot of faith to our own ability. Some seek refuge in devoting to religion (like moi'), others divert their faith to what they figured more sensible to their principle in life and a few search for unconventional approach which I believe it's not within my vocabulary. Almost everything needs to be explore and discover by our own two hands and witness by our own eyes.

The reason why I keep emphasizing on conscience repetitvely is because, my conscience are pondering.. loudly in my head. My idea of contentment was when I spent the whole week alone since both of my housemates were out due to their busy schedule. I have no problem being alone because, it gave me time to reflect about my life. I concluded that I need to change my way of living at some point. Spent some time just enjoying the company of my duvet and warm jacket to survive in the unbearable cold yet delectable weather.

'Dolce far Niente'

Yes. Another quote from the movie. It should be established by now that I don't just eat pray and love by this movie but, sleep too. The sweetness of nothing. I spent the week doing nothing but, what I find pleasurable: eating proper food, doing laundry (folding was the cherry on the top) made fortress under my warm duvet, passing by the neighbourhood and stop for awhile to say hi to the cat behind the window which seems clueless and also watching All Blacks winning when competiting with the Irish lad that became so intensify that I rolled over my beanbags with pure agony of anticipation. The final and the best of all is to finish up the novel which showered me with knowledge and Iman. I was in no intention to care about what people think about my so called average life. If I am blessed with the skills to decipher words properly from my head, I would do it similarly to the movie Big Fish; fiction- style. Haha.

The life without being burdened by pressure on being rich, beautiful and powerful (intelligent is okay. I don't see it as a burden.) I care less whether I had grammatical errors or babbling about stuff uninteresting to others just as long I have tried hard to come up with a sentence. The pleasure of learning was my contentment - a source to my healthy conscience. Right now, it's just about living day by day anticipating what's unfold for me, like a new chapter of a book.

Nurani. Such a beautiful word don't you think?

Monday, 25 November 2013

Bumi Cinta : A Review

I want to do something different.
I want a have say on this book.

T'was early September on the afternoon I went driving accompanying a friend and we ended up in the bookstore. I have made a promise to myself to bring several books in a form of Ilmiah, something that I can referred on my religious practice especially in a language that I am famliar of. I highly doubt that I can find a similar kind here in the UK so, I gone book searching before returning back to Aber for my final year here. Okay, I was a bit hesistant to splurge my money on books thinking that I need it more to support my life abroad but, I keep the faith up and decide not just books that emphasized the thickness of the pages but, the content which I can associate with what I'm going through and Alhamdulillah... they have been great friends when I'm alone. 

This book above in particular, was my main story that I'm ecstatic to share. My love for books are the same like my love for food; full with flavour, sufficient portion and in an affordable price. What's more amazing is that, this book is in Indonesian language. The author was one of the acclaimed director for most Indonesian Islamic Movie such as 'Ketika cinta Bertasbih' and ' Ayat ayat Cinta'. Unfortunately, I didn't find those movies my cup of tea so, I decided to skip that. The beauty of this novel doesn't lies on the cliche' title: The World of Love so to speak. Love was not entirely my concern as most bookstores in Brunei sell wide variety on this subject. I grew bored choosing romantic novels because most have a similar plot and ending: Girl meet boy - a problem arise at the middle and boom, the end. I was looking something more in depth, not just for the feast of the young spirit but, to feast of the mind with knowledge that is beyond my comprehension and this book proves to execute it so well that I indulge with learning new stories behind different characters in this novel.

The story starts with a post-graduate student by the name of Muhammad Ayyas that principally, studied on religion as well historical aspects related to his thesis. He flew all the way up to Russia to do a searching on the development of Islamic society during the past which narrowed down to a Professor in the MG University. Muhammad Ayyas was a devoted Muslim. He take intensive care on his prayers and zikirs, limits his social activities even trying to avoid from any contact with female counterparts but at the same time, he have an extremely generous eloquency in approaching them. He display high respect in terms of manner and speech when engaging a conversation. A truly brotherhood type. What sparks exhiliration in this story is when his Iman were consistently challenged by the environment of the so-called free world. Russia (in his terms) celebrates life and taking the tem wild and free literally. The environment was definitely a shock to him especially when he had to resides in an apartment of two beautiful ladies. No matter how much he tried to reject the invitation; it was the reasonable thing to do because beside this apartment, he only have the option of living with several European guys... all live festively on their homosexuality.

So, moving to the main point... this novel doesn't 'just' reveals his everyday struggle encounter a lot of challenges which put his Iman on stake. It's about how he empowers his Iman to every difficulty hits on him; what side of knowledge he referred to when he began to seek solace and how the story flourished into a conversation of humanity using the philosophy he research not just for his thesis but, for his debates on religion and God. For example, do you know there are different types of atheism? Does Sigmund Freud can be relate to the debate? What sort of content does 'Adabudd Dunya Wadddin'  mainly potrayed about? How does it feel to live in Russia in the eyes of a Muslim? The list can goes on and on but, it wouldn't matter because the novel overwhelmed you with all sorts of emotions (I guess all books do) moreover, what I think is important... the novel speaks to you as a friend. I'm sure it sounds exaggerating but, I don't read other uplifting novels like 'La Tahzan' because of the over load quotes streaming on my news feed. I can find comfort if I tend to swept away by my worldly / material concerns; when I turned to a page and read a chapter... A sentence appeared to give a pat in a back because it expressed (Islamic) quotes that you wished to hear, lead you to smile at the end. 

It took me a while to finish up this novel because, I don't want to end it too soon. Last night, was the cherry on the top since, it was the night when I complete reading the whole chapters putting me in this sort of emotions; adrenaline rush, mind freeze, euphoria. Although I find the idea of a young Russian Professor had a crush on him was a bit unnecessary; Anastacia Palazzo oozed high school crush on him even when she is supposed to be a multi talented and rather intelligent women. In the end... who am I to object when the overall content was the chicken soup that I need..ah yes.. Chicken does sound nice at the moment. Fried Chicken.

I have a feeling I might read it again but, a few days ago I went for a visit with a few of the DIS students on the Aberystwyth Public Library. It was an eye  opener for me but, totally worth popping up. They just move into the new building several months ago and safely to say...ignoring the fact that it is a new library, the service was sufficient to be considered (critically) as a public library.
Ground Floor

First Floor

Children Section

DVD section

By golly, I talked about 2 random stuff in one post and I apologize for that. What I can say about summing up with my life at the moment would be... quite pleasant. Less drama in life is something I need to practice and focus on finding an optimist approach to everything basically. Fair enough, I hope this will teach me better ways in days ahead. 

Bi Iznillah :)


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