Salam kenal 28 years old me :)
Alhamdulillah, Allah gave me another chance to write another chapter of my journey. As soon as I realized the clock strikes 12 on the 3rd of this month, I instantly exclaimed a dramatic "Noo~". Funny right? The first revelation that I am 2 years away from being 30 and still haven't sort out what I should do with my life irks me a lot. To be honest, I confessed that I am still immature for my age: I still feel excited for cartoons and ice cream trucks, I still feel clumsy infront of my friends and often felt embarassed for weeks. Even I started to have flashbacks of my old mischievous self in my experimental phase; being emo, dyed my hair, cut it short, reading unconventional articles and wearing mismatch wardrobe just to be different. Gosh, come to realize it... I was a wrecking mess! Despite of my stubborn attitude and intolerable behaviour; my friends and relatives were patient enough to let it pass by. Hormones was a menace and still is. That story was only during my teenage years. When I reached to my 20s, I started to understand more about what interest me the most; music, nature, life in general. There are times when depression hits hard especially when it becomes tough to endure by myself. However, with the grace of Allah, I gained better grip to myself and just deal with it. Not everything goes as you dreamt of... At the same time, I realized if it's not meant for me, one day I will know why. Allah placed better things ahead but, it's just not the time yet.
To start with that, I was fortunate to further my studies in Wales. Obviously it was not an easy journey when you only have yourself to tag along with other Bruneian students who share the same pre-condition.They have become my family as well as I feel blessed to be their Kaka here. My course mates become my closest acquaintances and the Brunei Student Unit acted as our parent body to ensure our safety. So the principle of a family is adapted quite differently when you study abroad. People assume it's all glorious to be in this position. Well it used to but, I don't think the statement applies to my situation. Living in the countryside are less sophisticated from the Urban area. There were more than brands and street fashion (though it was nice to see); I was fascinated by the nature, old people holding hands, family oriented events, local crafts and culture not forgetting the language. Haha and you thought you need to get Distinction for English? Get Welsh right first.
I do aware of the culture differences especially when around you are (apart of the basic shopping, housing, recreational and school buildings) pubs, clubs and Christian devotion. Which is the total opposite of what I used to learn back in school. The total damnation of mingling any of the criteria frightened me when I was small but, now I started to understand and show better respect to my fellow neighbours and Uni friends. If I judged them for their differences then, I have learn nothing about life. It took a while for me to seek answers that I couldn't just asked my family or friends back home. What's more, I began to feel their suffering when they had to struggle with their student loans, family life, getting health benefits and many more. We don't learn about this at school nor we have the privilege to read it in news just because the majority of us back home are not familiar with several situation. It's fair enough to know that at the end, we all humans with a different upbringing that needs comfort to go through life.
Well, to update life has been quite..peaceful. I deleted my Instagram and stick to Facebook at the moment for a simple reason of not finding IG a priority in my life. The more I indulge myself in into image / video related social network with followers with the addition of not having the pleasure of personal reflection. The constant update feed was meant to share happiness or inspiration but, somehow it seem to lead to self- loathing as well being judgemental. I hated it. With the apps as public platform you can't say no to a new follower, you might as well risk a friendship by that. The addiction was something that I need to get rid off and I didn't regret the decision until now. I feel less pressured to check on my phone and I gain better space to concentrate on what is more important in life. The only reason I stayed on Facebook is because of study related newsfeed. If I have the chance to deactivate; I would actually look forward to that day wholeheartedly. I have a love-hate relationship with the situation for social network at the moment. It used to be fun to share with the rest of the world, now I just want to take control of what I prefer to keep to myself.
Events? We had National Day celebration at the Student Union in February and it's good to see how festive that day was. Just being in the company of same language and same appetite for food made me feel home. Another event was the Malaysian Night where some of us participate to support our Malaysian friends. Honestly, I was out of touch with the Malaysians here for the past 2 years. I become well acquainted this year since they welcome us to be involved with the performance. Heck it was an incredible night to remember. Plus we get to tapau too! Oh my #Bruneians haha guess we are who we are. But, atleast it was more a polite invitation to tapau rather than grabbing it instantly without thinking about others.
There were several events I decided to skip just because of my less fit state of health. Not only I gained friends and knowledge, I gained more weight but, it didn't stopped me to be myself. It might be due to the collective experience in the past shaped who I am now. I learn to accept who I am and my position. To be honest I kinda decide to lower down on the selfless aspect a notch. There are things worth to be discovered by their own struggle rather than me contributing a role in that but, they will always be in my prayers. I need to sort out my life now before becoming a helping hand to others. It's imperative for me to learn about being a fix point (quote taken from Pacific Rim, LOL) if I am to endure a heavier task in my upcoming chapter. I don't know what's going to happen to me and yes, I'm worried whether I manage to settle with a comfortable salary to start with. I'm too old to play the pampered daughter. The urge to give back is increasing day by day. Insyallah when the time is right and when I pass through all the obstacles which were meant for me to endure, Allah will guide me when I'm ready.
Being 28 has been wonderful so far. I was willing to let my Birthday discreet however, my housemate put so much effort on celebrating it. Just a simple one which I appreciate a lot. What I want to do for my birthday was actually to get a full package spa treatment and get away from all the tasks for a day. Dissertation was a pressure if you asked me plus, we had assignments and I got sick that made me cough constantly day & night. It became overwhelming for me that I just booked a hotel at the seafront and stay there a night. Splurging on a hotel as a self present for my birthday. It's worth every penny. Heavenly pillow and duvet while watching late night movies in the room with Subway sandwich and Fish & Chips... oohh.. what a getaway.
So, being older was not as scary as I thought it would be. The sudden dramatic "No" was intended for worrying how much I have to catch up before turning 30. And do I have to talk about marriage? As much as I love babies, I am too enjoying my life being unattached in a devoted relationship. And to exacerbate the situation, I don't have a stable job to begin with! Ya Allah, panat hambamu sorang ani. Often I try to rush on finding perfection just because, I thought it will lead to perfection in Allah's eyes. But apparently, I was wrong. Perfection was never the answer if I am to gain His blessing. It was finding contentment in things I took for granted and reflect on the actions to ensure it is for the greater good. Insyallah, Insyallah...The process is slow and at times I fall back only for the fact that human grows through errors and trials.
As for now, I want to focus on the dissertation and getting back home in contentment. May Allah enrich us with wisdom and guide our story for the better
P/S: MH370 passengers, I hope one day you can return to your loved ones. I feel touched by the unity of all religion to pray together fo your safety. May your return will be soon and rest assure we all are waiting for you. Amin.